Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
It starts here:
-Don't drink and drive
It becomes this:
-Please drink responsibly
It starts to meander:
It devolves into this here:
-With great beer comes great responsibility
I see it going here:
-A responsible person does responsible things
And in 2046, when all meaning has been painfully wrung out of the warnings and we live in a euphemistic hell of saying what we don't mean, it will end with this:
Friday, December 25, 2009
John McEnroe has no shame, and you wouldn't either if you were him
The Radio Shack commercial with Biz Markie? Takes cringing to a new level. It almost physically hurts me to see that crap. Who thought of this? Who? I want names and addresses. It is so unfair that the people who made this monstrosity have cushy advertising jobs and get paid. I can write a commercial twice as good for half the money. No kidding. This is the spot. It's beyond awful. Don't watch it, you might be hurt. Yeah we get it, Biz Markie had a hit song a long time ago and he badly needs some money. You don't have to hit me over the head with it, Radio Shack. And the part that kills me is that ad industry people are patting themselves on the back about the spot here. Could you be anymore out of touch? Please, someone justify this thing to me. I am dumbstruck.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Peyton Manning, in the post-game interview, was at pains to point out that Jim Caldwell is the coach of the Indianapolis Colts, and that the team follows his directives. He was so emphatic that it almost seemed as if he had something to hide. I mean, Peyton Manning is clearly the coach of the Colts, right? Caldwell does not blink his eyes. This has been said before, but we can't be sure that Caldwell isn't an android. I'd just like some evidence that he's alive, and running the ole football club. He's sort of Peyton's beard so that he can deny that he is actually controlling the team. And why not bring back the player-coach? It worked for Bill Russell.
And a note: I hate when people call something a 'journey'. Just so sanctimonious, it seems. And how good are athletes at talking without saying anything? Why don't the reporters just skip the interviews and write responses to their own questions? It's pretty obvious that we all know in advance what an athlete is going to say.
I cannot for the life of me understand how people are so easily duped. They want to be duped, possibly. I have a hard time writing coherently. Down with adjectives.
The Jersey Shore. What's that all about?
It would be nearly impossible for me to be less worried. Just wanted you to know.
That's what matters most.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
-Two different Minnesota Vikings players arrested for driving over 100 mph within a week of each other. Ever heard of cruise control, guys? Set it on 70 mph, you're golden.
-Mark Mangino is nearly spherical, it seems.
-Brett Favre's childlike enthusiasm, unlike the swine flu, is not catching.
-It looks like the mime robber from television's Nip/Tuck is back!
-As Michael Jackson said: "And we gon' ride the boogie". What does that mean?
-Beginning both your first and last name with the letter J will get you far in life. Witness Johnny Jolly, Jimmy Jackson, Julio Jones, Jim Jefferies.
-MTV's Jersey Shore: Everything you hoped for, and more.
-The horoscope said my luck would turn today. Is that bad or good? I usually consider myself a pretty lucky guy.
-Please, no singing in television commercials. Please.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Isn't Thanksgiving really about overeating, after all?
As a red-blooded American, I was worried, as anyone would be, that I wouldn't be able to overeat to my heart's content in Canada.
I was wrong. There was more than enough food, and I ate more than enough of it. And it was great. It always is. Am I supposed to apologize for eating too much? It was delicious. I'm sorry that there are people who don't have enough to eat. I would like to help them. But at Thanksgiving, you stuff yourself. It's what's done. I can't turn the tide back from the shore, and I can't help but eat too much at Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving. Feel free to stuff yourself. And give some thanks.
First blog post from Canadian soil
First USA Thanksgiving spent on Canadian soil
Canadian soil never tasted so good, etc. etc.
Went to the supermarket today here and saw a can of Habitant 'Soupe aux Pois'
I must explore squash. There are great possibilities in squash
I won't leave without sampling poutine, which is not spelled phonetically
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Amoto quaeramus seria ludo
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The only exception is Jimmie Foxx, who was a solid hitter, and who clearly didn't choose to add the second x.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I certainly hope not.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
It's not too far away from today's game. There is an upper limit on how big and fast football players can get before very serious injuries become more and more frequent, eventually leading to the first in-game death. It will happen, someday, and don't be surprised when it does.
Mark my words.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Let it go.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
-I carred it around urban metro Boston for a few days, and got no less than three comments from complete strangers about how much they liked it, including from the conductor on the Commuter Rail.
-I was walking in front of North Station and a woman passing by on a bike, who was presumably homeless, said "Great book. Great man. Too bad he offed himself." You can't say it much better than that, and that's really all you need to know about the book.
-I am still almost completely unable to describe the book to people who ask me about it.
I strongly urge everyone to read it.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
There are pluses and minuses ahead, but the most important point is that there is an ahead.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
There's really nothing like the nihilistic pleasure of knowing that you'll be dead before climate change really gets started on ravaging the earth in life-altering ways. The temptation is great to just say "I won't be here, so good luck with all that."
For now, I'm ready to indulge that temptation. Am I wrong? Probably. But I'm also an American. I'm free to think whatever I want. And right now, I think that I'll be long gone by the time the German tourists are learning to swim in Arizona Bay.
So as the sea level rises, I urge you to not worry about it too much because, frankly, it's not your problem. We're probably talking about at least three generations before things get really drastically wicked bad. And someone else will think of a cheap, easy, nearly effortless way to stop global warming by then, right?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
And I'm excited. Something's gotta give here, right? And really, I am a pretty employable person.
This summer has been fun in spite of the rain, but it doesn't last forever. It gets colder at some point and this old Allan has to move on. Bob Vila, anyone?
I have almost no idea what the future will bring, but I'm ready to check it on out. Bring it on, future, I'll take it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
This blog is not an exception, by the way, I'm sure there are maybe 7 people who have ever read this blog. And really, why should they bother? I'm bringing very little to the table. I might be saying things that no one has ever said before, but does that really matter, considering who I am? I'm not anyone in particular. I don't have a reputation, I don't have power or influence. I'm nobody, for the purpose of this debate that I am having with no one on my blog that is not read.
And how many times can I write the somewhat ugly neologism 'blog' in this blog post? Are you counting, non-existent reader? You don't even exist, but I'm asking you what you think of this blog, which to me seems to be mostly just taking up valuable bandwidth. I think this is the problem with blogs. There are so many words being written, then immediately published. Snap your fingers and you're a writer. It's way too easy to get a blog, to have a blog, to suddenly feel at least a little bit self-important because you can publish your words at will, theoretically to a worldwide audience. But it's all for naught if no one reads it. The meaning of these very words that I write at this moment varies directly with the amount of appreciation that they garner. Have you considered this?
Insubstantial reader, are you considering your place, and mine, in the "blogosphere" (one of the uglier neologisms, right up there with "tweet", and thank goodness blogosphere is still not acknowledged by spell-check)? Do you wonder if you are anything but an grain of sand in the unfathomable blogiverse? Do you feel comforted by my asking questions of no one, questions that won't, and possibly can't, be answered?
I hate rhetorical questions.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
"Well Barney, I'd like to think that today I lost a paying customer, but gained a good friend. And that's what matters most. Goodnight folks."
Just my little way of giving back to the community. Because that's what matters most. Goodnight folks.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
It seems to be set up a lot like "The Hills", including all the shots looking down streets in LA with indistinguishable music playing between scenes. Aaargh, the music. The people who put this show together really seem to be trying to copy all of the worst parts of the Hills and none of the best. There are more little cut up bits of songs in this show than Sullivans in a Boston phone book. They add little or nothing to the show. There are plenty of pretty obviously scripted lines read by TO and his friends, and let me tell you, they aren't very good actors. I think the reason people like the Hills is that they've seen it before. They have some sense of who the characters are, and they enjoy ridiculing the people on the show for their bad decisions and ludicrous behavior. The T.O. Show has none of this familarity. It's just another badly produced reality show in a long, long, long line of badly produced reality shows that I couldn't care less about, but networks still feel obligated to produce because they cater to the basest and most moronic, and therefore the broadest swathes of our society. This show brings absolutely nothing to the table. They'll get a spike of curious viewers the first two weeks maybe and then nobody will watch because there is nothing remotely interesting about this show. I don't care about TO, he's not a compelling figure, the popular fascination with him makes no sense. And while I'm here, has anyone noticed that MTV doesn't show music videos anymore? Does that make any sense? All they have now is freaking marathons of "16 and Pregnant", one of the most despicable TV shows of all time, and a subject to be delved into at another time. The direction our culture is headed makes me steaming mad. We're getting stupider! The media we use to distract ourselves is getting dumbed down. I am not pleased, and I am not amused.
The dark little secret of the show is that there's nothing particularly interesting about the life of Terrell Owens. He's actually quite tame from the looks of things. The producers of the show try to create tension by having him act the party animal while his female friends try desperately to keep him from having fun, but there's absolutely nothing compelling about what ensues. The problem is, I don't know anything about Owens as a person and I couldn't care less about him or what he does. He's not strange, he has few distinguishing characteristics, he almost never says anything revelatory or surprising. After watching the show, I know maybe one thing about him that I didn't know before, that he likes to shop. Oh, wait, don't let me forget, he also appears to have no discernable personality traits!
Do yourself a favor and don't watch the show.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Just sunk 500 dollars into stock in China Mobile! Sometimes you have to play a hunch. My hunch is that China Mobile will not run out of people to sell cell phone service to, even though they already have 488 million subscribers. And they have a sweet dividend too. That never hurts. Wish me luck.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Just putting that out there, take it or leave it. If there's anybody out there in a position to give me a sweet job with nice benefits and even average money, feel free to contact me. I'm actually putting a lot of eggs in that basket, the scenario where a mysterious benefactor somehow finds this incredibly obscure blog, and, knowing very little about me or any skills that I might have, desires to give me a shot. As Bill Lumberg would say, that would be just grrreat.
(Office Space? Anyone?)
Because we all know that a recession is the best time to look for a job.
Oddly enough, I've already gotten two jobs during this recession, since September 1. Maybe the third time's the charm, again. Although the first two times were the charm too, so, you get the picture.
I'm rambling, but I'd like to emphasize again, if you're a rich person who's handing out jobs to inexperienced young whippersnappers like they're cough drops, please consider me. You can leave a comment here with your contact information. Don't call me, I'll call you.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Come on Sherrod, we could be getting rich already. Furthermore, it's not usually a good idea to defocate where your bread is buttered. Goldman Sachs gave him 42,000 dollars in the 2006 election! It doesn't get any better than that.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
That's right. Someone out there thought it would be a good idea to create a form template on which to make a website for a local pizza place. Any local pizza place. Furthermore, someone at Theo's who was responsible for their web site forgot to finish filling out the template! This gives us gems like "Soon after graduating high school, Vincent began making pizzas at The Corner Pizza Place, in Northern Anytown." The story doesn't end there, though. "Although he had an affinity for The Corner Pizza Place, Vincent knew that greater challenges and opportunities awaited him in the heart of Anytown." Look you can take the fictional pizza maker out of Anytown, but you can't take Anytown out of the fictional pizza maker.
Sure the front page is up to date and includes some Theo's-specific information. But how am I supposed to believe anything Theo's says about their pizza when elsewhere on their site Gomer Pyle of the Anytown Gazette raves that they have "Simply the best pizza in Anystate. If you are looking for a delicious pizza, quickly make a trip to Vinnie's Pizza."?
Would it be too simplistic to say that this encapsulates everything that's wrong with American culture today? Instead of taking the time to jot down a few sentences for a web site, people expect that someone will have already created a template for them where they can just fill in the blanks, and presto, there's your web site. Basically it's Mad Libs for small businesses. No thanks.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I can't wrap my head around the mental processes of these people. Apparently they've never watched a game on television, or they would know how incredibly irritating it is to watch some grinning idiot waving to his buddies on the other end of a phone line. Often enough, you'll get the same person, apparently calling every single person he has ever met, going on through the entire 9 innings, phoning and waving, phoning and waving. Please, for the love of Pedroia, exercise some self restraint. You may call one person, and you may not wave at all, whatsoever, or you'll be ejected from the game. And family members can help too. If you get a call from one of these ballpark buffoons, threaten to disown and disinherit them forthwith if they do not hang up the phone and stop waving like a fool. If we all do our part, it's not too late to stop this inane phenomenon.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Let's declare a moratorium on covering this story for three days. We can all have some quiet time to think about what Michael Jackson meant as a public figure, and as a person. Then we can come back in a few days and talk about it intelligently and coherently. Wouldn't that be much better than just tearing the story to shreds right now and speculating for hours on end about how and why he died? There's just so little to report here. The cable news channels will do what they always seem to do, which is have the hosts interview guests who really don't know anything that the hosts don't, so they pretty much just make stuff up. Meanwhile, an endless loop of file footage is playing, basically reducing the television medium to a dressed-up version of radio. Thanks, but no thanks.
I can commemorate Jackson myself by reflective meditation on his life and music. I don't need to be told how I should think by television hosts and commentators who are underqualified to think for themselves.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Exceptionally well-written, except for this little slip-up:
That was what happened to an arena when Jordan walked in. You would freeze, and you would hear screams, and then it would be a sea of lightbulbs.
Come on, Simmons, you're better than that. Flashbulbs, buddy. Respect to the big guy, though, that was a thoughtful column.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
He might have one of the best left hands in the league. He's amphibious!
Way to keep those standards high, guys. Incidentally, I don't find Meterparel's Boston College football play-by-play work to be repulsive-it's actually quite decent. This, however, is something which I will not tolerate from someone who is handsomely compensated to speak on the radio. The word for which you went fruitlessly searching is ambidextrous, and you're making America stupider.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
"It's incredible but the country itself still feels provisional. Of what other state can this be said? I notice when I am in Britain that you plan for 2038, you say that there will be this railway or that airport. But no Israeli plans so far ahead without feeling a pang in his heart which asks whether we shall be here at all. We look so strong from the outside, we have such a large army, so many nuclear weapons, we're so certain in our expansion, and yet from the inside it doesn't feel like that. We feel our being is not guaranteed. You might say we have imported from the Diaspora the Jewish disease-a sense of rootlessness, an ability to adapt and make do, but not to settle. After sixty years, Israel is not yet a home."
Hare is quoting an unnamed Israeli writer. What he said floored me. Sixty years gone by, that's a lifetime for many people, and his insight into the country is that it is deeply ingrained in the souls of Israelis to wonder whether each day might be the last for their nation. Sixty years of being, followed immediately by suddenly not being. Can you imagine the great, great fear that state of mind would bring? Can you imagine living in constant terror of the end of your existence?
The writer is correct, we could never think of the state of things that way in a country like the US, Britain, or almost any other on earth. The mentality he describes is so inconceivable from where I sit that I am having a very hard time putting myself in his shoes. I'm not sure if I believe him either, but if it was true, what consequences it would have for our planet! Would we finally understand the Israeli mentality? Would we know the secret to peace? Would we have fairness and justice and equality on both sides? But we cannot the greatest question of all, and the one that may never be answered, Will Israel ever feel safe enough?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I'm raising my can of Schlitz to new beginnings.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Like a cold steel astronaut setting foot on pock-marked Mars.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
"I think Dan Brown is a terribly bad writer, but he has cliffhangers after every chapter which makes you continue reading," Skarsgard told Swedish broadcaster SVT.
"It's like eating peanuts at a bar. You don't like them, but you keep on eating them anyway," he said.
Who said this, you ask? One of the actors in the movie. A Swede no less.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Why is this? Vanity would be my best guess. Everybody wants to be somebody, and especially to be a writer. It sounds glamorous.
"What do you do?"
"Oh, I'm a writer."
Sounds a lot better than a great many other things you could put down as your occupation.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
1. Logan to Government Center (Which has the added benefit of at least having a Boston-related title)
2. Seventy Times Seven
4. Soco Amaretto Lime
5. Failure By Design
Honorable mention to Secondary, Last Chance to Lose Your Keys, Jude Law and A Semester Abroad, Sudden Death in Carolina, and Mix Tape.
Not an easy list to make. Also, there was absolutely no reason to make this list! But I did it anyway! That's how committed I am.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Yes, I am declaring Manny guilty based on little or no evidence. He's guilty. The question is, why? I don't care to explore that in this space. I'm a bad blogger. So sue me. It's a blog. It means very little.
I haven't read this yet, but Simmons is always good.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
The sound wasn't great, but it was more than that. The set list wasn't great, but really that wasn't it either. It was something unquantifiable about the way they played. To tell you the truth, it made me sad. Maybe they just lost it. Maybe the regular lineup shuffling took its toll, finally. Maybe Dave was the one piece they couldn't do without. I don't know what it was, but for now, it will keep me away from the live shows. I'm gonna hibernate with the old stuff, the good stuff, before they lost it, whatever it is.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
It's different now. I have a good job, I'm in a good place, the weather is warm, and things are just going swimmingly. It's sort of an embarrassment of riches, to be honest. I feel sorry for that edition of me from the winter in a way. If he could see what's going on now in our life, new beginnings, new jobs, new feelings that just feel like they have some promise, like they could lead somewhere, he would be so happy. He didn't have those things, he was stuck. And when I remember these songs and how important they were to me during that tough spot, it hurts. I want to go back there and tell myself that things are going to be so bright soon. Just stick it out.
Sometimes lately, I completely lose my short-term memory. I have a quick flash of an idea, and it seems like something important, but then I lose it. It's gone. Maybe 30 percent of the time I get it back, but mostly I just lose it. Where do those ideas go? They might just be floating somewhere in space above my head, and whenever my mind wants to grab them it will, but often enough it doesn't want to. Maybe I could be great if I could just hold onto those ideas.
So, pants aren't really a big part of playing frisbee? This is absurd. This is exactly what's wrong with our culture and the youth of today. They think they can get away with playing frisbee pantless? They can't. This is inexcusable conduct. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. This is where we are drawing the line. You must wear pants to play frisbee. I will not negotiate on this point.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I don't really have any interesting topics to blog about. I'm really just throwing words out into empty space. This blog is a really good argument against blogs as an institution. Why should anyone, anywhere be able to get a blog with great ease? It's not as if they, or I have any qualifications. It's not as if anyone really wants to hear their opinion. The public is not clamoring to know what I think. But unbidden, I give my opinion. And it's expected that I would do so, like many other bloggers. Why is this? At this point, I'm really not bringing anything to the table. This blog is a joke, really. Why should I have any right to have my opinion heard? Why? Why do I use rhetorical questions so frequently? Does anyone ever answer all these questions I keep posing?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
I can't, for the life of me, figure out exactly why I drink. It used to be as a sort of rebellion. When I was younger, drinking was fun because it was illicit, secret, something I wasn't supposed to be doing. It's not like that anymore, but I still drink. I tell myself it's because I like the taste of a particular beer, wine, or liquor. More than anything, it's probably the force of habit. You start drinking because you like it, but you keep drinking because you were already drinking.
Furthermore, you drink because everyone else drinks! There are few other bad habits so common in our society, and so widely reinforced. Have a drink, everyone else is doing it. Of course, we all have free will, but the power of alcohol is immense. Don't underestimate how persuasive thousands upon thousands of movie images of good-looking people drinking alcohol can be.